One particular morning this past week, I woke up, got out of bed, and went to say good morning to my parents. This wasn’t anything out of the ordinary, as I do this every morning. Coincidentally, my younger brothers had also woken up around the same time as I had, and they were walking down the stairs behind me. We all said good morning to our parents and I went to get a glass of water, while my dad and brothers were talking in the living room.
I finished drinking my glass of water and was walking towards the stairs so I could get ready for school when I overheard my dad say, “men are supposed to have a firm handshake.” I stopped for a second and looked back and I saw my dad trying to show my brothers what a firm handshake looks like. As I stood there watching, I thought to myself “really, it’s a good habit in general, for ANYONE to have a firm handshake, doesn’t really matter if they’re male.” But instead of saying this out loud, I just decided to go upstairs and get ready for school. The reason I did this is because I know that my dad didn’t say what he told my brothers in a malicious tone towards people who aren’t men, and rather it’s just some weird gender stereotype that men NEED to have a firm handshake, which has been around for ages.
This idea has been around for a while and stemmed from a time when only men worked professional jobs which required them to attend interviews and interact with other professionals (also men), and the popular greeting was a handshake. Having a firm handshake reflects on your personality and influences the first impressions of individuals. It was stressed more towards men, that their handshakes should be strong, and vigorous to assert their masculinity and conversely that women should be less strong and vigorous when shaking hands with others. Obviously, times have changed, and men aren’t the only ones capable of working in professional fields, but the saying still stands that, “men are supposed to have a firm handshake,” when in reality, it’s just something that can benefit any person in the work field or meeting and greeting others in general.
Regardless of the fact that my dad didn't mean any harm by his off the cuff comment, I doubt many other people who say the comment, truly believe that ONLY men need to have a firm handshake but in continuing to say phrases such as “men are supposed to have a firm handshake,” continuously asserts toxic masculinity and this idea that women are less than, or don’t need to be assertive and strong or work professional settings.
I think your post is so interesting because it points out some of the smallest things that people do that they don't even realize is perpetuating toxic masculinity and traditional gender norms. I've experienced similar things living as the only daughter with two older brothers. Just the other day, my mother had a bottle that she could not open and although I was sitting at the table for 20 minutes beforehand, it was not until my brother joined us that she asked for help--specifically to him. In addition, there's other small things like when I call out my brother for not cleaning up his dishes after eating, my mother might say, "Danbi clean it up for him. You're his sister, you're more responsible." I loved this blog post because it really just reminded me of this small issue that people don't really think about or even notice sometimes but really it's just normalizing the traditional gender norms that we are trying to break out of as a society.
ReplyDeleteIfy, your post was really interesting for me to read as one of two daughters in my household. In my family, we've never had these conversations about how to act "professionally," I was always told to just be polite and respectful to my teachers and other adults. In fact, I'd never even thought about the firmness of my handshake until I took Public Speaking during my sophomore year, where we learned how to give a "proper handshake" as part of the curriculum. Still though, it's amazing how an action that takes half-a-second is so valued by society and carries so much weight in a first impression.
ReplyDeleteIt's quite bizarre the things we have gendered as a society, even if there is an explanation for why a stereotype arose, such as the one you address in this post. I think the arbitrariness of gender stereotypes sometimes makes it more difficult to see or explain why they are harmful, which is why we still so often hear stereotypes like "men should have firm handshakes". I've definitely heard family members of mine, particularly older family members, perpetuate stereotypes like that, and like you said, since you know they aren't trying to be harmful, it can be difficult to decide whether to address what they said or not.
ReplyDeleteI have heard many family members of mine make comments like this. My grandma used to even tell me how "ladies" should eat a certain way, but it is acceptable for men to eat however they want. It is weird how so many things in our society have a gender attached to them. We are all human, and we shouldn't have so many different expectations for how we should live our lives based on what our gender is because this just leads to gender inequality.
ReplyDeleteInteractions just like this, are a very common occurrence in my house. But instead of a father talking to his sons, it is my mom talking to my sister. My mom always says to my sister, "You are a girl, you need to learn how to cook, clean, and do the laundry." These types of remarks are sexist and need to be changed in the next generations.
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